Touch and Consent

At its best, touch is the language of compassion, nurture, and bonding. But for the survivor of abuse, touch can communicate neglect, harm, or seduction.

Cuddle therapy reintroduces touch to the abuse survivor as compassionate, nurturing, and a healthy way to make a positive connection. This process is achieved through the simple but powerful permission that comes through giving or withholding consent.

1. Compassionate Touch

At the beginning of an in-person cuddle session, the practitioner asks questions similar to the following:

• When did you last receive a hug, and how did it feel?
• On a scale from 1 to 10, how much touch do you want during this session?
• Before we begin, will you commit to telling me if any type of touch you receive from me is uncomfortable or unwanted in any way?

How marvelously compassionate are these words to the ears of an abuse survivor! Because abusers steal instead of asking, hearing such questions for the first time can seem both strange and strangely satisfying.

That’s because, when you are receiving compassionate attention from a professional cuddler, your thoughts about touch are the professional’s chief concern. 

What you think and feel at any moment is what dictates how the rest of the session goes. How completely opposite that is compared to the abusive touch you endured in the past! 

2. Nurturing Touch

Abuse survivors making appointments for professional cuddle therapy often have lots to learn about touch and consent. 

That’s good, because inherent in a professional cuddle session is re-education regarding consent and touch. The instruction that takes place in a cuddle therapy session can be broken down into three categories: boundaries, mutual communication, and nourishment.

Boundaries

Cuddle therapists are trained to practice boundaries with their clients and to make sure those boundaries are maintained throughout the session. The common way this is carried out is the Ask and Wait method.

The idea is so simple, but the impact is profound. The cuddler asks the client about sharing a type of touch before actually touching, then waits to hear what the client thinks. The client gets to decide the outcome. 

It may play out this way:

Professional Cuddler: “How would you like it if we started by sitting next to each other on the couch without touching? We can use that time to talk about how you would like your session to go.”

Client: “That would be ok.”

(After discussing the kinds of questions listed earlier in this article, the client and the cuddle therapist might participate in some breathing exercises. Then the practitioner may ask something like the following . . . )

Professional Cuddler: “What do you think about the two of us sitting close enough to each other so that our upper arms and shoulders touch?”

Client: “I think that would be ok.”

Professional Cuddler: “Our upper legs might touch at the same time that our upper arms touch. Would that still be ok?

Client: “Sure.”

Each time the cuddle therapist asks a question, she waits and listens for the client’s response before touching the client in the proposed way. 

But what if the client isn’t quite as ready for touch as the above conversation seems to demonstrate? That’s where mutual communication comes in.

Mutual Communication

Let’s look at the same interaction but with a slight difference in the client’s reaction to the questions.

Professional Cuddler: “How would you like it if we started by sitting next to each other on the couch without touching? We can use that time to talk about how you would like your session to go.”

Client: “I don’t know. How close would we be sitting on the couch?”

Professional Cuddler: “I’m so glad you asked! We will sit only as close as you are comfortable. For example, we could each sit on opposite ends of the couch. Or if you’d prefer, we could even start out by sitting on different pieces of furniture. Would you like to sit where you would feel most comfortable and then point out to me where you would like me to sit?”

Client: “Yes. I like that better. I’ll sit on that chair. You can sit on the couch.”

(After completing the opening discussion . . . )

 

Professional Cuddler: “From what you have told me, you would like some touch today, but you don’t want any touch on your upper arms or torso. Is that, right?”

Client: “Correct.”

Professional Cuddler: “You would also like to move through this session really slowly. Thank you so much for telling me your boundaries so clearly.”

Client: “You’re welcome. Thank you for respecting them.”

Professional Cuddler: “You are welcome. That’s one reason I do what I do. I get to teach people they do have a voice and that they have every right to use it. What do you think about preceding this way? I’ll stay seated on the couch, and when you are ready (if you ever begin to feel like it), you can scoot your chair a little closer to me every few minutes.”

Client: “So that we eventually touch knees?”

Professional Cuddler: “If you want that. You may find that you are satisfied a foot or more away from me, maybe you’d like the tips of our toes to touch. You may not know until you begin to move closer. We can leave it open ended. It is also ok to stay right where you are for the entire session.” 

Client: “Really?”

Professional Cuddler: “Absolutely!”

That’s the beauty of a professional cuddle therapy session! The session is for the client, to meet the client’s needs as they are at the time of the appointment. 

• Nothing is forced. 
• Everything is clearly communicated. 
• Action is taken only if consent is given.

Nourishment

Food isn’t the only nourishment you need. You also need nourishing touch, nourishing talk, and nourishing silence. 

Nourishing touch is what cuddle therapists do best! After receiving consent, the professional cuddler has dozens and dozens of cuddle positions to guide a client in and out of seamlessly. 

Through mutual communication those touches can be sustained and long lasting, sprinkled with healthy strokes and caresses, or quickly switched if either the cuddler or the client desires a change. 

Nourishing talk can turn a cuddle session into a connection session. Some clients want to stay totally quiet but want to hear the professional share affirming words and ask questions of consent while moving from one type of touch to another. 

Other clients have lots to unload and are eager to do so in a safe space with the complete attention of the professional cuddler.

No matter the preference (or if it changes mid-session), nourishing talk promotes a client’s self worth.

Nourishing silence may be the sweetest and most unexpected part of a cuddle session. Punctuated only by sighs, the silence between cuddler and client is respectful. The silences honor the privilege of a shared space and a time intentionally set aside for care. 

Silences are a sign of mutual appreciation for the moment of genuine connection. They are the result of consent offered and received. Most of all, the comfortable silence of a cuddle session is a sign of the client’s acceptance of self and trust in another human being. 

3. Bonding Through Touch

Healthy, happy touch that is the result of genuine consent, releases the flow of oxytocin into the bloodstream. This hormone aids in creating bonds between people.

Therapeutic touch teaches our physical selves, as well as our minds, that touch can be unifying, uplifting, and undeniably good for you.

Touch and Consent

Consent and touch are meant to go hand in hand. Professional cuddle therapy teaches how.

If you have never thought about professional cuddle therapy as part of your abuse recovery, I hope that you will consider it. Cuddle therapy can be a vital part of your growing comfort with touch and provide you with the empowering opportunity to say yes or no to providing consent.